It's been a week. . .

It's been a week since everything happened. Seems like it was just yesterday that everything was alright. And now, everything that I dared to dream of, the dreams of spending the future years together with you, building a happy future with you came crushing down just like that. The dreams that has been with me for the past 4 years just went down the drain.

Have you ever wonder if it would hurt me this much or you have already expected this earlier on? I really have no idea. Right now, I'm seriously numb, I don't even know who I am anymore, what I want, where I'm gonna be the very next minute. All I really need now is some support, I don't care if its from you, or from my friends, or family. Anybody will do. I feel so desperate for someone to talk to. To tell me that things are gonna be ok, that once everything is settled down, all of this would just be a nightmare. Yet, I dare not even confront anybody about this problem, let alone my bestest best friend. I doubt that she even knows what is happening to me. I'm such a loser.

Right now, the only way for me to seek comfort is to visit my sick cousin in the hospital , chat with my aunt who's taking care of her sick kid and keep them happy. Keeping them happy makes me feel accomplished. Makes me feel that I can still make somebody happy with my presence, when I thought I was a mere nobody in this world. At least by doing so, I feel that I am able to channel those positive energy to find back whom I used to be, and what I used to be, so that I can be a better person to whom ever that needs me to be by their side later on.

But for the time being, I shall just be the numb one till I find the strength to do so. I have promised you that I will stop doing silly things like hurting myself physically and mentally anymore, and I am gonna make that happen. So I really hope you keep to your promises of finding back yourself, what you want, whom you wanna be, where you wanna be, etc. And I hope and pray that when the tide on both sides of the ocean (you and me) has cool down, we're able to sit down and talk peacefully and ammend things once again.

Thank you for being (officially) by my side for the past 4 years, and also the years before that. I really appreciate it, and I really hope that you will treasure all those things that we had gone through just to get accepted by both families and friends (tho I'm still not very sure that I'm accepted by ur family and vice versa). Meanwhile, please take your time and rethink of your purposes and aims in life, things you want and need. I'll always be waiting for you to hear your decision... and I hope I will hear those that I would really want to hear. Till then, this might be the last entry from me, until I feel like there are things that I could not tell you verbally. So... please take good care of yourself!