I don't know where to start, I don't know where to end. What we have gone through so far should have actually brought us closer together, stronger and more loving as a couple. But look at what and where we are today? I can't believe that I'm such a foolish girl to fall for such simple love trap and destroy what we have built for the past few years with my own bare hands.
True enough that diamonds and money are a girl's best friend, but nothing, not even diamonds and money is able to replace you as my best friend. You who have been my soul mate for the past couple of years, you are the only one who knows my deepest, darkest and meanest secret. I really treasure everything and every moment we have spent together. Thank you so much for everything.
But what I really needed from you now is you, You being mine Alone. I can't, I really can't afford sharing you with anything or anybody else. Forgive me for my selfishness, but to me I feel that as your girlfriend, I have the right to not share you with anybody, especially with other ladies. I am very afraid, very very very very afraid of loosing you.
Sitting here, wide awake at 5am in the morning, listening to you sms-ing other people about things that you said you can't and don't want to talk to me makes me really sad and heart-broken. I don't even have to guess whom you are texting to cos I know that if I do open my mouth to that question, we would end up having a big argument again over some useless topic that do not exist. So what I can do now is just sit here and type. Seclude myself in my own comfort zone, where I can pretend and think that live is all about fairy tales and someday, my prince charming, you would come sweep me away from all these troubles, and live a fairy tale like life in the future, where everything would end with the line "And they live happily ever after". I know it is stupid, and childish. But there is no harm done, as this is only a virtual world. How I wish I could just remain in this virtual world forever, and never have to face the real scary world.
But *slaps own face*, its time to wake up!!! It's already 6am!!! Stop dreaming and come back to reality and face the ugly world. Heck! What world? I don't even know what world I'm living. Since I don't have a purpose in life, I really don't know what world that I'm living in. I used to think that by making you my world, everything would be alright. Not knowing that by doing so, I'm actually putting a lot of unnecessarily pressure on you, pushing our relationship to the edge of the cliff.
Sorry for being a burden for you all these while. It is time for me to learn how to face the world alone. Frankly speaking, I'm a loner. I don't have much friends, so my world pretty much revolves around you. I'm not like you, a ladies guy, a people person. I may seem to have a lot of friends, but a lot of them are just superficial ones. I'm shy to say that those that I'm close with are only a few, and I do cherish them a lot. But that doesn't mean that I'll share everything with them. I hardly even turn to them when I'm stuck in a relationship trouble, besides one *and you know who you are my dear*. Unlike you, you are able to turn to a lot of people, which makes me even more vulnerable and afraid that someday, all that you will talk to me is "Lets go grab dinner", "Lets go watch a movie that you like", "Goodnight" and "good bye".
Sometimes I really wish that I could turn back time and pull back all those nasty, stupid and idiotic words that came out from my mouth, wishing that everything would return to normal. But such things like time travel, time machine, memory erasers... all of these only exist in fairytale or movie world.
I wanna make things work, but how? Who is there to guide me? Nobody. I gotta do it myself... MYSELF! You? You have plenty of friends to help you on it. You can always turn to somebody and somebody would always be there to help you. Me? I'm a loner. I'm a lone wolf. I do everything by myself. No wonder I'm such a failure as a girlfriend. Sometimes I feel that I'm better off dead. But what keeps me going on everyday, no matter how bad I feel, is You. If you would and could not stand by me, and share things with me, how are we gonna pull through this? I know I have temper issues. I'm trying. But how? Nobody is there to help me when I fall, so give me time. If you were to help me, please give me time to find back whom am I. Who is the girl that you fell in love with. If you don't even try to help, I won't be able to find my old-self back. I will be drifted further and further from you.
So please, I beg you. Please help me. Please do not treat me as an outsider. I am your girlfriend. I want to be in your life forever, face you forever in my life. I really want you to be mine forever. I don't care if people wanna say that I'm "thick skin" or "tak tau malu" or what so ever, but I'm making my statement here and I'm making it clear. My dearest Jackie, I want to be yours forever! I don't care if you are gonna make me your wife or mistress, I will stay with you forever, through rain or shine. So please do not banish me into the dark side of our relationship. I really want to make everything work, and I want to have a fairytale-like life with you. I really do. So please... help me to be a better person, the person that I used to be. Not the b**** that I am right now. Please....
True enough that diamonds and money are a girl's best friend, but nothing, not even diamonds and money is able to replace you as my best friend. You who have been my soul mate for the past couple of years, you are the only one who knows my deepest, darkest and meanest secret. I really treasure everything and every moment we have spent together. Thank you so much for everything.
But what I really needed from you now is you, You being mine Alone. I can't, I really can't afford sharing you with anything or anybody else. Forgive me for my selfishness, but to me I feel that as your girlfriend, I have the right to not share you with anybody, especially with other ladies. I am very afraid, very very very very afraid of loosing you.
Sitting here, wide awake at 5am in the morning, listening to you sms-ing other people about things that you said you can't and don't want to talk to me makes me really sad and heart-broken. I don't even have to guess whom you are texting to cos I know that if I do open my mouth to that question, we would end up having a big argument again over some useless topic that do not exist. So what I can do now is just sit here and type. Seclude myself in my own comfort zone, where I can pretend and think that live is all about fairy tales and someday, my prince charming, you would come sweep me away from all these troubles, and live a fairy tale like life in the future, where everything would end with the line "And they live happily ever after". I know it is stupid, and childish. But there is no harm done, as this is only a virtual world. How I wish I could just remain in this virtual world forever, and never have to face the real scary world.
But *slaps own face*, its time to wake up!!! It's already 6am!!! Stop dreaming and come back to reality and face the ugly world. Heck! What world? I don't even know what world I'm living. Since I don't have a purpose in life, I really don't know what world that I'm living in. I used to think that by making you my world, everything would be alright. Not knowing that by doing so, I'm actually putting a lot of unnecessarily pressure on you, pushing our relationship to the edge of the cliff.
Sorry for being a burden for you all these while. It is time for me to learn how to face the world alone. Frankly speaking, I'm a loner. I don't have much friends, so my world pretty much revolves around you. I'm not like you, a ladies guy, a people person. I may seem to have a lot of friends, but a lot of them are just superficial ones. I'm shy to say that those that I'm close with are only a few, and I do cherish them a lot. But that doesn't mean that I'll share everything with them. I hardly even turn to them when I'm stuck in a relationship trouble, besides one *and you know who you are my dear*. Unlike you, you are able to turn to a lot of people, which makes me even more vulnerable and afraid that someday, all that you will talk to me is "Lets go grab dinner", "Lets go watch a movie that you like", "Goodnight" and "good bye".
Sometimes I really wish that I could turn back time and pull back all those nasty, stupid and idiotic words that came out from my mouth, wishing that everything would return to normal. But such things like time travel, time machine, memory erasers... all of these only exist in fairytale or movie world.
I wanna make things work, but how? Who is there to guide me? Nobody. I gotta do it myself... MYSELF! You? You have plenty of friends to help you on it. You can always turn to somebody and somebody would always be there to help you. Me? I'm a loner. I'm a lone wolf. I do everything by myself. No wonder I'm such a failure as a girlfriend. Sometimes I feel that I'm better off dead. But what keeps me going on everyday, no matter how bad I feel, is You. If you would and could not stand by me, and share things with me, how are we gonna pull through this? I know I have temper issues. I'm trying. But how? Nobody is there to help me when I fall, so give me time. If you were to help me, please give me time to find back whom am I. Who is the girl that you fell in love with. If you don't even try to help, I won't be able to find my old-self back. I will be drifted further and further from you.
So please, I beg you. Please help me. Please do not treat me as an outsider. I am your girlfriend. I want to be in your life forever, face you forever in my life. I really want you to be mine forever. I don't care if people wanna say that I'm "thick skin" or "tak tau malu" or what so ever, but I'm making my statement here and I'm making it clear. My dearest Jackie, I want to be yours forever! I don't care if you are gonna make me your wife or mistress, I will stay with you forever, through rain or shine. So please do not banish me into the dark side of our relationship. I really want to make everything work, and I want to have a fairytale-like life with you. I really do. So please... help me to be a better person, the person that I used to be. Not the b**** that I am right now. Please....
